Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
