I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize