I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
