either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
