We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
