there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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