My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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