my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
