I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
