No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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