Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
