At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize