hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
