I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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