Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
