if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
