so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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