and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
