I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
