I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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