She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
