Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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