I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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