I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
