she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
