At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is wine microwaveable?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
