i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
