somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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