I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
