I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
