Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
