Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
