3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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