I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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