I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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