I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
