got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
