saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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