4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
