Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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