Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
that may or may not have been my penis.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
