I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The struggles of a small town man whore
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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