Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
