he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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