Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pants are for mortals
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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