oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize