I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
