wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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