can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
