Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
