We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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