"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm having to shit out rocks
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
