dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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