Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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