I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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