Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
