anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I FOUND THE LEGS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
