I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
