Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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