im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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