Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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