the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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