she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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