I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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