you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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