I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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