I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
