Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
