Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I want a musical about memes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
