Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
