So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
