The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I had to cum in my sink.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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