I feel great
I just peed on a car
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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